Dandelion Breaths

                               Walls of ocean blue welcome me every time I open your bedroom door. It was the color you chose amongst all the swatches that slipped through your fingers. There must have been fifty shades of sea and sky you pondered before you found the one that spoke of waves and splashes of joy. I roam amongst your things in a dream state traveling from when you were a little girl until spring brought flowers in vases earmarked with condolences. Broken doesn’t seem to be a bold enough word to describe how I feel, yet I feel shards of longing splinter my ribs where my heart lies scarred by hours of yearning to hold you. Oh sorrow, you are a conundrum. It is both tears and joy. I cry from your absence and sing because of your freedom. I stumble and I dance getting through what I’ll never get over. Dear Dawn, my precious daughter, I am trying to be strong in my weakness, be a light when I’m bes...

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. ~  Rumi «    St. Patrick's decorations ~ My mother's maiden name was Nellie McCleary. ( There could also be some Scottish ancestry...shhh). The small bit of decorating I've done for seasons and occasions has helped me so much. I feel doing what brings happiness and joy heals and blesses the spirit.  Love never dies. In fact I believe it grows stronger even in loss. Dawn continues to be part of my life as she will always be. Even in all the pain she experienced, we (her family and friends) experienced along with her, there were such beautiful moments of laughter, and life that lives on with us and in us.  loves deep roots of green burst through our heartbreak winter urging us to bloom  ©Susie Clevenger 2023

When someone dies, we must learn a new way to communicate with them. We are learning a part of Dawn and her fiance's language is the color blue. It appears when least epected, and leaves its comfort and message on our hearts.  Dawn passed away on January 26, 2022 and three days later my husband, Charlie, took this picture. Notice the blue? The wall is a gold color. Dawn and Daniel's  favorite color was blue. We lost Daniel, her fiance, in 2019 to mesothelioma. We were having a small candlelight vigil for friends and family when the beautiful sky blue on the wall appeared.  I believe she came to us along with Daniel to tell us she was with us, and she is happy in the stars.  On Valentine's Day of this year, 2022, my husband and I were watching the news when the image above flashed on the screen. We looked at eachother and couldn't believe our eyes. In an image of blue was the announcement about SpaceEx's planned, private human spaceflight mission, Polaris Dawn. Amazi...

Daniel Bobby Blanchard: JUNE 19, 1974 – SEPTEMBER 22, 2019 Cynthia Dawn Clevenger: February 21, 1974 - January 26, 2022 These two were the embodiment of courage. When Daniel was diagnosed with Mesothelioma he asked the doctor, “What do I do?” The doctor said “live”. Daniel became a marathon runner. He lived with power, and grace. His motto was “Live Life Forward”. Our Cynthia Dawn was our Wonder Woman. So many times she was given bad news, and she faced it with courage and strength. She lived 27 years with autoimmune disease no doctor could really pin a name to. Our family loved to laugh and even in some of her toughest hospital stays we’d all be together cracking jokes. I learned from both of them you don’t know what you can do until you have no other choice but step up and do it. We lost Daniel in 2019 and Dawn this year, 2022. I shouldn’t say lost because they are with us every moment of the day. I don’t know how to do this grief journey. It is a roller coaster, yet I’m doing it...

This has been my morning thus far. It isn’t coincidence the cards and book took me to similar reflections. I’m in a life journey like no other with the loss of Dawn. The cards spoke of seasons, dealing with fear, creating, weaving new from the bits and pieces life presents me with. The book… Happiness, the primary colors so to speak… pleasure, grace, excellence. Learning the journey is the reward, not the impermanence of the mountain top. I am changing. In that change there are textures of light and dark. I’m letting myself feel and not suppress, heal and not deflect. I’m not on an easy path, but it’s the one I’ve been given. As I look out at the trees I love when I do my meditation, I visually watch their metamorphosis of limb and leaf in their journey of seasons.   it is in the cards monday’s tarot reading spoke each day’s a season ©Susie Clevenger 2022

  I scooped white clouds from spoiled blue sky to float a sea gull wind.   For a few moments I felt the breath of eternity, the weightless wink of dreamers.   I was everything in nothing, and nothing in everything, an exhale releasing the storm.   Freedom didn’t tease or ask permission. It just took all of me exactly where I needed to fly.  ©Susie Clevenger 2022 The Sunday Muse #223 This is the blog I have dedicated to the grieving process of losing my daughter, Cynthia Dawn. In this journey there are days of light and dark and thankfully the last few have had more light. I often turn to art as therapy. In fact I call my artistic expression my journal. This week I created art from sticks and beads. When I saw this image from Carrie on the Sunday Muse it inspired me to express through poetry what my art projects did for me this past week.